…And Then I Came up Short.

So I had my first weigh-in since my little change of heart that led to this post, and I only lost 1.5 pounds this week, and not 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 like I was hoping.

Naturally, I freaked out and wanted to cry, but then Bryan was like “Good job Babe! You didn’t gain any weight and you actually lost some even though we haven’t been to the gym in the past couple of days and we didn’t eat great with my parents last night. You should be proud of yourself!”

I wasn’t proud of myself. I hate that some people can like, sneeze and lose weight. OR DO NOTHING AND LOSE WEIGHT. I hate that I have to try. I hate that I can’t eat and COOK what I want. I hate that I didn’t lose 5 pounds instead of 2. I hate I hate I hate.

I seriously let this ruin my morning.

It’s slowly hitting me, though, that he’s right. I SHOULD be proud of myself. I did eat not-so-great last night. I did succumb to not working out for the past two days because we’ve had stuff going on. And I still lost weight!

I’m slowly becoming as proud of myself as Bryan apparently is.

I am reminded of how I am such a brat to God. I try to be so independent, and worry instead of pray, and I don’t trust Him completely, and I don’t see the world and my life through a lens of Him like I should. And then I act all upset that I can’t do it all on my own. I let it get me down and I kick myself for not getting it right, like ever. Much like that whole weight thingie, it makes me feel like I will never get better or change or grow, and something in me refuses to see any growth that actually is there!

Ugh! This refinement thing is so hard in all areas of life! And yes I know that the definition of refinement implies the difficulty and pain. My blog is called REFINING ALEX, duh. I’m still allowed to forget and be shocked and surprised by it right? AAAGGH.

I AM learning though, I am. I am better with my weight and self-control than I was yesterday, and I’m still going to strive for that to be true tomorrow. In the same way, I can only hope that I grow more in God each day. And God doesn’t expect me to be perfect, in fact, He’s counting on me not to be, and He already has it covered.

I turned down a cookie the other day. A chocolate chip cookie. A FREE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE. I am so Superwoman right now y’all. I don’t even care that I’m I’m self-complementing. I can do this.

I’m not giving up. I will be there.

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3 thoughts on “…And Then I Came up Short.

  1. Let me share something with you….

    I’ve lost 230 lbs sine Jan ’12.

    I used to watch the scale EVERY SINGLE DAY…..oh my god…I lost three pounds….HOW IN THE HELL did I gain a pound?

    There is a certain alchemy involved in the human metabolism. This I’ve determined over my two year journey. An alchemy of the sorts where aged wizards were seeking to turn lead into gold.

    In other words, it doesn’t make a ton of sense how the metabolism works.

    My bodies metabolism is now such that if I eat what seems to be one gram more than yesterday, I gain two pounds. If I eat half of what I at yesterday, I lose 1.

    Accept this. Learn from it. Grow with it.

    And stop watching the scale so often. Work towards FEELING healthy. Towards LOOKING healthy, which innately, will be an inner glow from when you ARE healthy.

    Just my $.02

    -zB

    • Thanks so much for this! I have really struggled with not understanding how eating better than before can still make me gain weight! It’s so frustrating! I’m getting to a point now though where I know I need to stop being angry and thinking it’s not fair and start learning to work with what I’ve got. Thanks for the advice and the follow! I look forward to checking out your blog!

      • Honestly, I look at it like this…..depending on how much weight you need to lose, you are doing a balancing act.

        A balancing act on a board, on top of a soap can.

        The more weight you have to lose,the longer the board. Therefore, it’s easier to balance yourself on top of that soupcan.

        As your weight goes down, the board grows shorter in length, and you have to work even harder to balance that sucker on top of the soupcan.

        Today, I look at my weight maybe once a week. I know I am eating right. What I am doing bad, is drinking. I’ve gained ten pounds and I am now at 330lbs instead of 320lbs. Luckily I am 6’3 and can carry it well. Bad zB. I also know that my metabolism is such that it’s at a point where I simply need to add exercise, daily exercise to my regimen. Without that, my metabolism is completely stable, and not changing (except for the silly drinking).

        Hang in there kid….you’ll do it….and you’ll feel amazing….

        -zB

        http://www.zerobelief.com

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