Is This Thing On?

I’m still a little raw about the fact that we just lost to Germany, but in honor of the person from Germany who viewed my blog today, I’ll be nice. Plus we advance anyway. I BELIEVE. OOO ESS AH! OOO ESS AH!

While we’re on th subject of people viewing my blog, to the person who found me via the search “Drank before I knew I was pregnant,” you should know that I had two margaritas the night I found out I was. Pre pee-stick of course.

…Anyways. Just wanted to share a new little adventure of mine.

Let me start by saying that public speaking scares me as much as the next person. We can’t all punch fear in the face as well as Jon Acuff. However, I’ve always been pretty good at it. This is not a self-evaluation. I was told all throughout my schooling journey that I sounded like a news-reporter when I spoke and that it was all so clear and eloquent and stuff. Such a sexy compliment amiright? This provided confidence makes me like it zero percent more, but it has steered me to dream of radio or voiceover work someday. And maybe… when I grow up A LOT… I’ll be cool with doing speaking jobs.

I am happy to say that I’m beginning to make one of those dreams come true!

voiceover

Thaaaat’s right. I’m starting to do voiceover work! Like for money and stuff!

After recording the outro for my awesome husband’s podcast: Go Rogue with Bryan and Eric, other people became interested in my voice, which is super cool. Also, if you want to hear my outro, click on that link. Don’t do this, because you should definitely listen to the whole episode. But if you like…Don’t have time or something and just want to hear my part, you can just fast-forward to the end of one of them. Then go back later and listen to every episode ever. Because they’re good, y’all.

You can also soon go to the Sams Club website and hear me on a mattress commercial. I’ll post the link when it’s live. Yay!

I’m pretty excited about this, and if you like what you hear and want to hire me, you totally should. I’m just saying, I’m about to be unemployed. And I do mean unemployed. As in, quitting my job before #LilFitt makes his/her appearance. So I’ll only be “jobless” for a few months and I’m of the stance that once that baby comes, I will no longer be “jobless.” Can I get an AMEN for SAHM/WAHM swag?

Any readers do voiceover work? Tips and Tricks?

Why I Suck Lately.

My life is boring. I say that not in a negative way, but more in a neutral way. As a person who thrives on control and knowing the plan, and who fails miserably in change and chaos, boring is good for me on most days. Sure, I like excitement in life too, but I like to know when that excitement is happening so I can plan for it. Are you catching what I’m throwing out?

Lately, my life has been the opposite of this. My life has been chaotic and messy and unplanned and unpredictable and I’m failing. Miserably.

Although I rarely use this blog to share what’s been going on in my daily life…because it’s boring most of the time…I’d like to let you in on my chaos.

We had someone living with us for a few months who was close to my family when their relationship went south. Although Bryan and I had very little to do with the relationship ending, the situation was taken out on us because we were the roommates. We’ve had a monstrous time getting this person’s things moved in order to be completely out of the relationship, and it has taken a gigantic toll on us. Forgiveness for hurts alone feel out of the question right now, so I won’t divulge more details in efforts to not be tacky, but trust me there are plenty. This entire situation has been very straining, and is not over yet.

My grandmother was diagnosed with Lung Cancer in April and also has a tumor in her brain. We found out it was already in stage 4 when she was diagnosed, and was not curable, but hopefully treatable. She started chemo and radiation, but because she was already so sick, her body couldn’t handle such harsh treatment and she was getting weaker as the masses just kept growing. This past Friday, her oncologist decided to stop all treatments on her and send her to hospice. The whole family was up there Friday night until very late because the hospice nurse didn’t think she’d make it through the night. It’s Tuesday now and she is still with us, and we’ve been up there almost every second of the day we weren’t sleeping or working. We of course are praying she will get better, but it’s not looking likely, and we would almost rather her just go ahead and go so she won’t be in pain anymore. Plus, selfishly, it just feels so wrong to essentially be sitting and waiting for someone to die.

(Please don’t smoke. At least not around me. As stupid as this sounds, it will hurt my feelings-not to mention the fact that I’m pregnant and don’t need to be around that anyway. I take it personally now when I tell people about Grandma and they say they don’t care and do it anyway. That may not make a lot of sense, but I’m sticking to my overly sensitive guns on this one.)

**UPDATE** My wonderful grandmother: Iris McCurdy-Grandma-died around 4 am Wednesday morning. She was the most wonderful, hilarious, selfless, caring woman, and I was blessed to be her grandaughter.

PLEASE DON’T SMOKE.

Sound hectic yet? Good time for an emergency root canal huh? Last Saturday night/Sunday morning I woke up in terrible, terrible pain in my jaw. I had known I needed a root canal for a while now, but having not had one previously, I didn’t realize that left untreated, it would eventually blow up that side of my head. I haven’t been in so much pain in a long time, all the while feeling so stupid BECAUSE ALL THIS FOR A TOOTH. We called everyone we could think of to avoid a hospital visit but they all told us to go to the ER since it was a Sunday, so we finally did…on Fathers’ Day no less. They gave me pain meds and antibiotics for the time being, which knocked me out and caused me to miss most Fathers’ Day activities and miss work for 2 days. This seems like a good time to remind you that THIS IS OVER A TOOTH. After a dentist appointment Monday, it was determined that *surprise* I needed an emergency root canal scheduled for 6:30 am Tuesday morning. Because I’m pregnant, they could numb me, but not knock me out or give me nitrous. So I was completely alert and awake the whole time. As someone who gets nitrous just for cleanings, they probably could have extracted information from me in that chair. I sure acted like I was being tortured anyway. I’m such a fun patient.

There is another thing going on in the Fittin family as well that I am not at liberty to share on the interwebs just yet, but email me, text/call me, or ask me in person and I’ll be happy to give you details on that as well. As if you’re just on the edge of your seat to learn more crazies from my life.

All of this while being pregnant. Please see my last post for news on that. I’m so tired of being pregnant right now I could scream. We are so in love with our baby and can’t wait to meet him or her, but right now it is causing me to withdraw from plans, relationships, and appointments and I’m sorry.

I say these things not to receive sympathy or “I’m sorrys,” but more to explain myself. I’m bad at feeling like I’m bothering people. I may share part of a problem or one of the problems or nothing at all with people. Very rarely do I just unload everything going on. It’s hard to go from having nothing to report usually to having to ask how much time someone has for me to fill them in. Plus I just don’t feel like making everything about me. I’d love prayers and understanding and forgiveness, if anything. And to all of the people who I have cancelled on, especially last-minute because it just slipped my mind, I’m so truly sorry.

I’m hoping life settles down soon, I really am. I’m tired of being a bad friend. I’m tired of  not knowing what’s headed my way. I’m so tired of canceling plans and missing work and cleaning up after someone else and being angry and not knowing how better to handle situations. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t adequately explain my flakey-ness because I don’t want people to write me off as a drama queen and because Oh gosh something else is going wrong with her. I truly believe this is just a season and that everybody goes through times when it just seems like it can’t get much worse.

I’m so sorry you guys. I’m ready to be a good friend again and not have to focus so much on my own stuff all of the time.

Thanks for reading this loooong and probably boring explanation.

Alex

Dear Pregnancy Books and Websites…

prgo copy

In my brief experience with pregnancy thus far, I have noticed some things. These are not pretty things, nor “glowy” things. These are real things. These are the things I wish I could have known. While realistically I know that it would be nearly impossible to pass along every single “what to expect” situation of pregnancy, but c’mon. I need some sassy girlfriend to lay some truth bombs on me for what is quickly becoming “the period in life we shall not speak of.”

I thought I’d compile a list of my findings so far. Not to worry, I’ll give an equally TMI updated version later on, as I am just now almost to the halfway point.

1. The age-old lesson of “Morning sickness isn’t actually just for mornings…” is old news. How about telling me what morning sickness is really like. In my head, morning sickness was this thing where you’d feel nauseous, throw up, and move on with your life until later when you’d do it again. I had no idea the crap-fest that is “morning” sickness. I was clueless to the fact that I would find myself praying to the heavens that I could throw up because then I’d feel better from the misery that is constant nausea. But that answered prayer is never as sweet as you’d think, huh? You lose a little piece of your self-esteem every time you have to throw up in a public space. Side of the road, at work, during a class you’re taking at your church…you haven’t quite experienced pregnancy until your knees become acquainted with the cold, hard floor of a public restroom…that’s my new motto any way. My favorite time was when we (grown adults) thought it was a good idea to hit up Denny’s at 11 pm when everyone had been consuming various amounts of alcohol throughout the evening. There is sick irony in an experience where you are the only one in the group who has not drank a drop…and are also the only one in the group who throws up in the Denny’s parking lot.

2. I grew up in a very open household. Everyone knew when anyone else in the family had any kind of bodily function. And then there was me. While it doesn’t weird or gross me out when others do, I’ve never been the “oversharing type.” It would have been nice if someone had told me that in pregnancy, that adorable privacy evacuates the premises. My dignity is hanging on by a thread at this point. I have lost the give-a-crap for when my husband and many other members of my tribe know the happenings of “the miracle inside me.”

3. I had to learn pretty quickly that eating is a whole new ball game. The books and websites clued me in to the whole backwards “eat when you’re nauseous and you’ll feel better” phenomenon, but no one told me about how aversions weren’t just for when you suddenly don’t like the taste of foods you previously loved or could stand the smell of. I wish I had known that this sweet, sweet baby of mine would be quick fickle about what I am allowed and not allowed to eat while it is sidling my resources and nourishments for 9 months. “Oh, you thought you could eat that delicious potato salad? Think again. Oooh soup, yum. HAHA. How about I make you bloated for 24 hours?”

4. For some women who I hate, the “starting to show” process is cute and dreamy. For me, this whole chubby-looking phase is lasting much longer than I’d like. The websites talk about the precious bump. No one tells you that it doesn’t look like that until MULTIPLE MONTHS of just looking like you have a slight beer belly.

5. I was unprepared for the fact that things I previously loved to do would be come a source of self-loathing. For example, I feel like I’ve made my love for cooking pretty clear in this blog, social media, and general conversation. I have cooked approximately 3 complete meals since I’ve been pregnant. The smell alone is enough to get me, and that’s not even mentioning the effort. I’ve found myself telling Bryan very sweetly that we can have whatever he feels like making or we can go out, whatever floats his boat. We’ve gone out mostly, in case you were wondering. Our monthly grocery budget is like $50 these days.

6. Whining about how you feel is much more rewarding than one might think. I told Bryan the other day that I really wish I could be one of those cool wives where when this was all over and done with he could look at me fondly and think to himself (and tell all the people) that I never even complained at all and took this process like a champ. “HAHAHAHAHAHA” We said in unison. I’ve complained every 5 minutes on average, as pregnancy sucks much more than everyone else lets on. Maybe next time (if there is one), I will suck it up and be that awesome non-complaining wife, although I imagine that version of Alex is like a unicorn or leprechaun… in likelihood that is.

7. Out of all the things I’ve feared in life, permanent body damage takes the crown. I am still unaware of all the changes to my body that I can look forward to. The other day I found out more body parts that I can plan on…ahem…*tearing* in my near future. I am also currently warding off stretch-marks like it’s my job. I hear coconut oil is the secret, so coconut oil-rubbing is my new daily ritual. I wish these cutesy websites could have a page where they lay it all on the line. I know that some moms-to-be would rather it be an unpleasant surprise, but I’d much prefer that sassy girlfriend be like “Look girl, this is the crap that will happen to you.”

8. Pregnancy Hormones are not as bad as the movies make them out to be. I figured with my PMS record that I would be a friggin’ mess while pregnant. This is one of the few pleasant surprises to come of this. I have not cried because there is no more juice, Bryan left the toilet seat up, or because man, Luke and Lorelei really are the perfect couple, and I’m a crier. I have only been irrationally angry like once. I am also aware that I am jynxing myself by posting about this awesomeness, so Bryan, prepare yourself.

9. Pregnancy guilt is much easier to shrug off than I thought it would be. I have always had a bad case of the “Wanting People to Like Me”s. I’ve learned much more in later years about ridding myself of this awful disease, but I still worried about caring what people think once I was pregnant. Much to my delight, my mom’s long-standing advice of “Know what you believe and why you believe it” has come in handy. “You’re drinking caffeine while you’re pregnant? There’s really no safe amount you know.” YEP. “You’re not even going to try to have a natural childbirth before getting an epidural?” NOPE. To each her own people, to each her own.

10. Because we all know how precious I am, I’ve saved the sweet one for last. The mom support group is so much more important than could have ever imagined. I’m sorry for taking advantage of you before I knew the effect you had. Please don’t abandon me for my ignorance in my time of need. Even though, yes, some of the advice and comments can get annoying (as in any situation), for the most part every seasoned veteran has been helpful and understanding. I like to think that pregnancy is as ridiculous for others as it is for me, and I’ve found so much support for this theory in those who love me. So thank you, other moms, I promise to never disregard your knowledge again… for the most part.

No More Ms. Waaay Too Nice Girl.

While I like to think that I’m not a cocky or arrogant person, I will admit to being good at a few things. Among those are strong logic skills, the ability to help others through conflict, and mediating conflict with a relatively clear head. You know what else I’m good at? Arguing. I’ve been told my whole life that I should be a lawyer because of my logic and argumentation skills.

I have a degree in Communication which specializes in the interpersonal variety. I spent 4 years studying human communication in regards to relationships, conflict, business, broadcasting, and the list goes on.  I had a pretty decent GPA at the end of it, and I am proud of myself for the work I did.

Unfortunately, this very expensive education had little to no effect on my own personal experience with conflict. I fail in minor areas such as not being able to see the logic through the rage, getting frazzled and overwhelmed and outraged by all of the many thoughts going through my mind and whatever you just said, and getting tongue-tied out of utter confusion that someone else could POSSIBLY think whatever it is that I don’t agree with. Possibly worst of all, instead of truly believing the fact that I am an adult on the same level as other adults, I make up hierarchies of people in my head and don’t allow myself to get past it. This includes most people of authority, the parents of people my age, and any adult who knew me as a child.

Instead of putting that pricy education to good use and learning how to grow up and emotionally protect myself and my family, I have learned some very bad coping practices. I either do nothing at all out of fear of embarrassing myself, not saying the right thing, or worst of all, hurting someone’s feelings, or I try to argue my points but falter because of the afore-mentioned frustration. I am the queen of “I should have said/done/mentioned/brought up ______. That would have shown them!”

Though I know it will shock you, this sort of behavior brings out many unhealthy habits. I am guilty of slander and gossip. Of stuffing frustration and letting it linger and build. Of inviting bitterness into my heart and allowing it to build and shape me. Of being afraid to live my life the way that God leads me to out of fear for upsetting others or disrupting their expectations of me. Of disregarding my husband’s feelings because I know he will forgive me, while I’m afraid others won’t. (<– the WORST.)

As Christians, we care called to mature conflict. As adults, it is expected in order to thrive in community with others.

God expects more out of His children than this. We’re not supposed to be cowards, but I so am. Regardless of the fact that history (and God Himself) has shown that God will always be on our side when we act justly and wisely in His name. History has also shown that the most respected and trusted people are those who aren’t afraid to be themselves, speak their minds maturely, and keep negative words against others at bay.

So knowing this, what am I so afraid of? Who am I more willing to disappoint?

My husband?

My family?

God?

Or everyone else?

Something’s gotta give. This is bad for me and bad for my family and bad for whoever I am frustrated with.

I am resolving to more phone calls and coffee dates with the source of my frustration and not about the source of my frustration. To better assessment of when to act and when to let it go. To be stronger and less afraid to stand up for myself and rid of unhealthy relationships, but mostly unhealthy situations. This is because I truly believe that things would be better if we were on the same page instead of me stuffing my anger. I truly believe that relationships thrive in mutual respect and much much less passive aggression. I’m resolving to command more respect for myself from others, and to stop allowing myself to be stomped on be everyone who tries, regardless of my own perceived hierarchy.

I’m resolving to start acting like the adult that I am.

Solidarity? Anyone else handle conflict like a child? Ugh, this is going to take work….and liquid courage from time to time.