Things That Stop Being a Thing in Pregnancy

2014-10-09 14.07.49

A lot has happened since my last pregnancy blog post.

I’m officially in my third trimester. So that happened. I’m not sure when, exactly. Because hasn’t it only been like 5 days? When I give birth tomorrow or something maybe I’ll figure out where the summer has gone.

I digress.

Also, my body has changed a lot. I knew it would. Like, logically in my mind I was all “I’m going to get fat and my boobs are going to get big and I’m going to get stretch marks. Now that all of this has happened, I still stand in the mirror like “Sigh. This is what I look like now I guess.”

What else? Oh! A lot of things have stopped being a thing. Seriously, as “duh” (you have to say it like Cher) as it seems, there are still times when I surprise myself with all the things I can’t do because pregnancy. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. Agility. This doesn’t exist anymore. Bending over normally? Nope. Standing up without making noises and/or whining for help from whoever is nearest? Gone. Rolling over in bed without waking up your husband? HAHAHA. I’ve reached the point where I don’t even care that people are taking pity on me. There is no more “I’ve totally got this!” When I drop something on the floor, I just look down and wait. Like a diva. ASK ME HOW MUCH I CARE.

2. Normal and predictable hormones. A thing of the past. There’s so much crap going on in there that there is no telling when or how it will force its way out. Sometimes, it’s crying at a dogfood commercial. Sometimes, it’s getting irrationally angry at your spouse/whoever. This can be a bonus if you say, while yelling, that you know this is irrational and you just can’t help it. It doesn’t make it better, but somehow makes you feel justified. Sometimes, it’s that in-between thing where it’s like you’re crying but not really crying…just, tears are falling out of your face. This never happens conveniently. It’s always when you are about to have dinner with people or walk into church.

3. Holding your pee in. Whether it’s sneezing or coughing or because your little bundle of joy felt the need to suddenly kick you in the bladder, you have 5 seconds to get. to. the. bathroom. This is the only exception to the agility clause. Somehow, our lack of bladder control gives us the super-power to suddenly jump up lest we pee on ourselves. Which, let’s all admit it, has already happened, even if only a little bit. My favorite thing is when my body is all “YOU HAVE TO PEE RIGHT. NOW.” and then by some miracle you leap to your feet and make i to the bathroom and maybe produce a tablespoon of urine. Thanks for that baby.

4. Sex. It’s not that it’s not a thing anymore. It’s just a whole new thing. And we can just leave it at that. Feel me ladies?

5. Being unaware of your internal organs. Remember when the best you could do when pointing out where your organs were was to just do a swooping wave over an area and be like “uhhh, somewhere in here.”? Well now we can tell you exactly where stuff is. Because it gets kicked all the time. ALL THE TIME. I’d like to know what goes through random people’s heads when pregnant women suddenly jump or flinch around them. You guys: It’s because the human we’re about to squeeze out of ourselves has decided to prime our reflexes and pain tolerance by claiming our personal insides as their own punching bags. Who knew we even had that many things in us?!

6. Your entire body not looking like it was mauled by a tiger. Y’all. Try as I might, I have failed. Scratch that. Coconut oil has failed ME. Coconut oil, I thought we were friends. I rubbed you on me EVERY DAY and still you lost your battle against the stretch marks. How can I ever trust you again? Tell you what, when I look sexy in a bikini again, that’s when you will earn my trust back.

7. Peaceful Sleep. Whether it’s getting up to pee every 5 seconds, or attempting to roll over because your left side just can’t anymore, or because the miracle inside me has decided that this is the perfect time to practice gymnastics, sleeping through the night is like a unicorn or fairy or some other mystical creature these days. The other night, I woke up at 3:30 (to pee of course), tried to go back to sleep, then gave up after a few minutes. I got up to see if there was anything I could do around the house, quickly laughed at myself, got something to eat and drink, spilled my drink, scared the crap out of Bryan, cleaned it up, got back in bed, and watched 30 Rock until 6:30 when I finally fell back asleep. This is the new normal people.

8. Looking cute for more than an hour. Listen, I just can’t be bothered with things like jeans and jewelry anymore. Even if I will only be home for 30 minutes before leaving the house again, my uniform of sweatpants and Bryan’s t-shirt comes on. The grunting and effort of changing are totally worth it. Plus, it’s like a mini work out and that counts right? Of course it does. I have also mastered the art of how much “getting ready” I can do to just barely pass for not a psych ward escapee.

9. Remembering what it was like to not be pregnant. I know it wasn’t all that long ago, but I have forgotten what it was like to feel hungry in the normal area of my stomach, flex my abs without it looking suuuuper weird, and to bump into things without immediately thinking that a little person inside me also felt it. Maybe that’s just the forgetful preggo brain for ya.

10. All of the extra random stuff. Having a wedding ring that fits, walking like a human instead of a duck, sitting in one position for more than 1 minute. You know, all the things.

I’m told this will all be worth it in the end. After my epidural legs wear off and I’ve cried out the last of my pregnancy hormones, I’m praying that my body will EVENTUALLY return to normal. Only time will tell.


4 thoughts on “Things That Stop Being a Thing in Pregnancy

  1. You forgot not being able to put on boots anymore. Michael had to put mine on for me this morning, haha. There’s also not thinking that anything is cute anymore, I mean anything. Babies, dogs, clothes, anything. It doesn’t matter. I just look at it and I’m like, meh. And my favorite, people commenting on your general appearance and size. I guess thought that is a thing that comes with pregnancy not one that use to be and is no longer a thing.

  2. #2 had me thinking about Pam Halpert watching the Travelers’ Insurance/Ray Lamontagne/Dog bone commercial, crying, and Jim telling her to stop. But she just can’t stop. Is it weird I’ve experienced this type of thing sans pregnancy?
    #7’s sequence of events was hilarious to read.

    Love you!

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