Attention Shoppers: Stop It

I have a bone to pick with the youth of today. Particularly the ones attending music festivals.

First of all: Stop it. Simply put, you just must cease all fashion choices until you are responsible enough to handle them properly.

Secondly, please allow me to get a few things off of my chest.

bad fashion

I don’t get it. This is 2015 for crying out loud. shouldn’t evolution and natural selection have weeded these terrible fashions out by now? Instead, you people have intentionally brought things back into style. It’s much like when Ross tried to bring back his self-inflicted nickname “Rossatron” and Joey cried “Is that back?” out of genuine concern. That’s me looking at you. It’s as if you guys took the worst styles from every era and were like “Mmm, let’s give this another go.”

Some recent offenses I have seen with my own two eyes:

Booty shorts that put Daisy Dukes to shame. Listen, I get it. You have a rocking bod or whatever, and I’m all for showing it off, but aren’t you uncomfortable? I take one look at your bare butt hanging out of denim shorts and instead of admiration, I just imagine how bad your wedgie must be. I mean, don’t sit on hot bleachers or anything. You’re really limiting your mobility with those bad boys.

Ridiculous legging patterns paired with TUCKED IN t-shirts complete with lines of all kinds showing. And this was on a dude I’m pretty sure. Sheesh.

Peter Pan hats. Feather and all.

Seizure-inducing pattern mixing. I just really want to know if you stood in front of the mirror in the morning, took a look at your red and yellow plaid mixed with pink and white polka-dots and…checkered vans? and said to yourself “Nailed it.” I just don’t understand.

Kilts. Aren’t we done with these? I mean, I get the tradition and all, but what part of you is like “Man, the ladies are going to DIG this look.” We don’t.

Overly baggy t-shirts. Like, skinny guys rocking 2X. You’re not at home watching Netflix. Aren’t you hot in that? As in temperature? There is really not even one plus side to an overly baggy t-shirt. I got nothing.

Fanny packs. You’re not a tourist abroad. Use your pockets. Or a shoulder bag. Or a Walmart sack. Anything really. It isn’t cute and unless you are wearing roller blades as well, it doesn’t count as an ironic throw-back.

Bucket hats. Who are you, Jamiroquai? At least this style serves some function I guess. I’ll just pretend that’s why you’re wearing them and not for irony’s sake.

Mesh clothing of all kinds. Are you trying to be in a biker gang? It just looks terrible. What even is the point? Just run around in the bikini and ditch the weird non-tights. Please.

…Velvet? That died with the 90s and lets pleasepleaseplease leave it that way.

Furry boots. What the actual crap? This is summer. I’m sure I don’t need to remind your sweating calves of that fact though.

What’s next? JNCO jeans? No wait, I’ve seen a few of those floating around too. You guys are truly shameless.

Look, there are cute retro styles. I can get on board with the flower crowns and the high-waisted mom jeans. You guys look super cute in those and your little crop-tops and truly, I wish I had the body to rock that look. Even though I’m not personally a fan, we will even accept the overalls. But please, take inventory of which styles are worthy of bringing back, and leave the rest in their extinction.

That is all :).

Love, Alex

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