Crying in the Ultrasound Room

See my dress color? Yeah. It took me a while to get to that thumbs up.

See my dress color? Yeah. It took me a while to get to that thumbs up.

Now I’m sure some of you thought that title may have corresponded to precious, loving feelings of seeing my baby and finding out its sex. I think I’ve made it clear that I am not precious, and while I do cry a lot, talking about the amazing feelings of seeing your baby are awesome, yes, but also not unique banter for a blog. What I’m getting at is that I cried hot, sad, guilty tears that day. And before you come at me with pitchforks and torches shouting about how I’m ungrateful and unloving, hear me out. Especially because I think I’m probably not alone in this.

It most likely won’t come as much of a shock since the majority of women hope for a girl during pregnancy, but *shocker* I wanted a girl.

I had my reasons. Everyone in my larger church community seemingly had lotsandLotsandLOTS of boys and I wanted a different experience than them. We have girl dogs (ahem, children) and though it might sound silly, watching Bryan with them and knowing the type of man he is, I just wanted to see him with a daughter so badly. There are petty reasons, like the fact that girl clothes are 1000 times cuter than boy clothes, (<–fact) and also bigger reasons like the one I have to pull the vague-card on again (I really do promise to share soon).

Regardless of all the things, Bryan and I were both standing squarely on the girl-train.

In my increasing nervousness as the big day approached, I did some research on gender disappointment and found that it is an actual clinical issue that many women deal with. This should have made me feel better right? “No!” said my brain, “That would be much too logical!”

I was just so afraid of being disappointed to find out it was a boy and then feeling guilty about being disappointed like a vicious circle. I talked to a few people about it, most of whom understood, some of whom did not (Thanks guys!). It didn’t help to hear friends and family refer to the baby as a “him” before we even found out though, because as ridiculous as this sounds, I knew their happiness at guessing correctly would make it harder for me to pretend to be excited.

On July 24, we got up and headed to the clinic with a belly full of baby and butterflies. We were called into the ultrasound room first. Just like that. No doctor visit barrier. I think the tech was a little weirded out at ALL THE QUESTIONS. “Already? Are you sure? Like this? Right here? Uhh, so do you have kids? What’s the worst reaction you’ve ever seen of someone finding out the gender?” (You guys…) She told me that none were really too bad.

Awesome.

So we’re all chit-chatty and “Oh my gosh that’s our baby!” for the first few minutes. Then. She waves past the evidence quickly, but we had already seen. “Ok, are you ready to know what it is?! It’s a boy!”

Silence.

I had such mixed emotions at that moment. Here I have a perfect, healthy baby BOY and all I can think about it my disappointment–>guilt for being disappointed–>but…BABY GIRL CLOTHES–>our baby is healthy!–>disappointment–>OMG HE’S SUCKING HIS THUMB–>well they do say boys are easier and now I’m off the hook for the birds and the bees talk–>disappointment. (<– vicious cycle. I know you appreciate me spelling it out for you because it’s not obvious or anything really.)

I cried. Like, so much that multiple tissues were needed. It was embarrassing and I hated myself for it.

All of the articles I had read about gender disappointment talked about how, much like when you take a pregnancy test that is negative and mourn the loss of a baby that never was, you mourn the loss of the baby girl or boy that never was.

I got it. Sitting in the waiting room accepting the fact that we wouldn’t be having a girl before having to fake excitement for the doctor was hard for both of us. Not to mention the fact that we had this family reveal dinner in the works for that very night that I had to polish my acting skills for.

gender reveal 1

Oh hey guys!

I got to work that morning and immediately started messing with our Amazon baby registry as a coping mechenism, hoping to distract myself with cute and shiny. It was overwhelming enough trying to pick out so much stuff with all of the reviews and safety reports and options and opinions to consider. What made it harder was that BOY STUFF IS JUST NOT AS CUTE AS GIRL STUFF. Plus, as it turns out, I’m super picky about the boy crap I actually do like. I’m so much fun, no really.

See?

See? So much fun. (Ugh so grainy. Sorry guys, It was dark in there!)

Oh, and I had to call the bakery to tell them what color to use to fill the cupcakes and I’m sure the poor girl at Rick’s just thought I was a heartless weirdo.

“Hey, just calling to tell you the filling color..it’s blue *small amount of forced excitement*”

“Oh a boy! Yay!”

“…yep. Ok thank you *more forced exctiement*.”

I mean…

How awesome are those though? Not-at-all-humble brag: the catchphrase was completely my idea and not a product of Pinterest at all.

How awesome are those though? Not-at-all-humble brag: the catchphrase was completely my idea and not a product of Pinterest at all. (Again with the grainy. I tried with the editing, I really did.)

We took our announcement photo to post after the reveal dinner, which we made it through and I didn’t cry at all. Small victory! It was actually a lot of fun to watch everyone bite into (or the smart ones use a knife to cut) the cupcakes and cheer at the filling color (which they would have done for either one of course).

See how genuine my smile is? ACTING.

See how genuine my smile is? ACTING.

The next morning, I talked to my mom and apologized for being a giant brat crabby the night before. She said she knew I was disappointed and completely understood. AND THEN (this is the “wait it gets getter” part) she said possibly the most profound thing ever. Work with me here because apparently I’m even more selfish and dense than I ever thought.

She told me that as much as having a little girl would have been wonderful and sweet and awesome,God obviously has a plan for our son, and that plan is much better than anything we could have dreamt up for our baby girl.

Ouch.

I realized that I had been thinking of this only from the standpoint of me having a baby/child/teenager. I was forgetting that there was a lot more living for him to do after the “raising him” part was over. And I think that kind of rocks.

A few minutes later my dad called me.

Let me pause here and explain something, because what I’m about to say will have much more meaning once I do. My dad and I are like, the same person.  Seriously. Both stubborn  as mules, both feel the need to constantly be right, and both tell it like it is and have to work hard on the encouraging words. So while my dad has lots of amazing qualities, the pretty words aren’t normally one of them. This is how I know God was (more gently than usual in my case) sending me the words my heart needed.

He told me that he knew I was hoping for a girl, but he thought I should know that I was going to make the best boy mom. He said that watching me with Grant and Guy (the sons of both of our mentors and who we watch when they are out of town), he could tell that I was going to be great and natural at this parenting thing. (<–HAHA)

Cue the tears. Seriously, y’all. This is when the good times started for me. I still had set-backs, like on vacation when all I saw were adorable, clean, well-dressed little girls and mangy, screaming, fit-thowing little boys. Hold me. But I got to go shopping at the outlet malls with the world’s best and most patient mom because for real, I AM SO PICKY, and I got some freaking adorable stuff for Grady.

That’s his name, Grady. OMG my child has a name. And OMG I’m over halfway there. And OMG I’m someone’s mom.

Crazy Eyes.

 

I've told you about my husband's obsession with bears, yes? Imagine my excitement to find this. I mean really.

I’ve told you about my husband’s obsession with bears, yes? Imagine my excitement to find this. I mean really.

My child is already swimming in threads thanks hugely to my wonderful and generous parents. Can you tell which piece is the favorite?

My child is already swimming in threads thanks hugely to my wonderful and generous parents. Can you tell which piece is the favorite?

Love, Alex

PS: For what it’s worth, here is the link for our ultrasound video. Not that I expect anyone to go watch it. I completely understand that what is wonderful and exciting for proud parents is just soooo boring for others. 🙂

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What I HAVE Been Doing.

So I told you about what I have not been doing, which was being a good friend, keeping my appointments, and generally being a responsible human being. I thought I’d take a moment to share what i have been up to…in photo form. Now I am not a photographer. I leave that monkey business up to my amazing husband. These are all taken with my iPhone, and although I did try to edit them, I promise, they can only come out so well. So enjoy my photo journey!

We spent A LOT of time at Circle of life Hospice, which is wonderful, by the way. The staff was super nice and took really great care of my grandmother and all of us. We had to break up the heavy atmosphere with some humor sometimes, though. One night, Bryan had stayed home to edit some photos so Sierra decided to bombard him with selfies FROM MY PHONE. These gems are just 2 of the many pictures she gifted him.

I should pause to tell you a little about their relationship. Even though Bryan is not blood related to her, they act more like brother and sister than any of us combined. There are a myriad of hilarious stories I could share, like the one where she kicked him out of the tea shop where she works for touching things and offering to help customers. Or the one where I was telling Bryan’s dad about their feud in front of both of them. Donald turned to Sierra and says “You don’t like Bryan?” Sierra shrugged and with narrowed eyes and pursed lips said “Mmm, I like him fine…” Donald was at a loss for words. The rest of us laughed uncontrollably.

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Isn’t he adorable? Baby pictures available upon request.

 

what I've been up to 9

Y’all…Those lemon ones though.

 

what I've been up to 8

 

A glimpse into my future I suppose?

I helped organize a Moms’ Night Out for our church’s women’s ministry. My awesome brother up there hooked us up with free Andy’s with his new management powers. (And He’s single, ladies. And going to med school next fall. Submit all applications my email for my sister and me to review.) We had ladies make cupcakes to share and let me tell you…Best decision ever. I love to cook, but since I lack “following recipe” talents, baking is not my forte. I love anytime I get to enjoy yummy homemade cupcakes.

We went to our community group for the first time in what feels like forever. Such a cleansing experience to be around friends, share food, and feel the love when going through hard times. The CG host home, Casa del Horner, contains this crazy child who loves Bryan. His dad is an avid shark fan, so Bryan is still working to get Adler on Team Bear. Adler can put his paws up and growl now! Sorry for the underwear shot Becca…let’s just be glad is wasn’t his nightly “Nakey Time.”

I took photos of Phoebe being Phoebe, which is always entertaining. On the left, she had weasled her way under Bryan’s blanket, where she slept soundly on his stomach. He was unable to move for hours for fear of disturbing her highness’ slumber. On the right, she was looking at me perturbed because I was choosing to spend my time throwing the ball for her sister instead of holding and petting her, which is of course my actual job. I’m thinking of making Daily Phoebe Photo a thing for this blog. Thoughts?

I helped my parents move, and caught this winner of my goofy dad with all of his pairs of glasses on his person. I swear to you this was not staged, he was actually wearing them all like this because he found them moving and didn’t want to lose them again. I love him.

Because I am about to retire from the professional workforce, I figure there is only limited time to take my husband out for dates. On dates we usually do what I want to do, because my husband is super super sweet, so I decided to return the favor and take him our for some Chick-Fil-A (I offered PF Changs-his favorite-but he chose this instead) and Transformers. In this giant bucket of movie popcorn and the coke not pictured lies my happiness. Oh, and Transformers was pretty good too.

Lastly, because I just can’t take waiting any longer, I went to a friend’s charity garage sale and bought Lil Fitt a couple of gender neutral onesies. We feel that it is our duty to raise this child to be a correct sports fan. AKA The Razorbacks (amen), the Cowboys (amen), and the Mavericks (amen). Train a child up in the way that s/he should go…

That goofy guy pictured above stamped his approval on this outfit as well. We are a family of Arkansas/Texas sports fans.

And that’s all! As you can see, I haven’t been up to much, but I am trying be social and a good friend again.

 

Love,

Alex