I’m Sorry That Happened.

Photo courtesy of USA Today

Photo courtesy of USA Today

*Disclaimer: I am not a political activist, nor do I feel that my opinion is extremely eloquent, nor is this a commentary on how to fix an overall problem. It is an opinion about one small part of it.*

There are lots of fun problems and issues that we women face all the freaking time that men can never understand. Some of them are biological, such as growing a child and dealing with the surges of hormones that come with all of that. Some of them are more on the social side of things like how women can be really crappy sometimes and choose to tear each other apart instead of supporting one another, which leads to really dumb offenses and admittedly lame reactions to things.

Point being, men have lots of other problems that we don’t understand, but many of them choose to keep all of that locked in, while many of us neeeeeed to talk about it.

Early on in our marriage and still sometimes even now like last week, Bryan had to learn the art of listening and empathizing without trying to fix the problem or telling me that he thought it was stupid. He learned how to simply say “I’m sorry that happened.” He wasn’t sorry. He didn’t do anything wrong. But that one sentence made me feel like he understood where I was coming from and that he cared that I was sad/upset/angry/ALL THE FEELINGS.

The same is true of all of the deaths and subsequent riots as of late. I’m sorry, but when did the death of a human being and the reactions that come with it become a political issue? There are crappy parts on all sides of this.

It sucks that these men died in these situations regardless of the circumstances. It still sucks.

It sucks that people chose to hurt other humans in reaction to it. regardless of the circumstances. It still sucks.

It sucks that some of those people are choosing to use the opportunity and distraction for their own personal gain (ie: looting), regardless of the circumstances. It still sucks.

It sucks that some of us are pretending to understand the complexity of people’s feelings while standing on the outside looking in.

I’m still missing how this is a political issue. Where does the Republican party come in on all of this. Why does your opinion count as a “Democratic” one? When did our Nation become so polarized that we needed a political party to tell us how we feel about things?

I HATE that there is so much hate surrounding these events.

It is possible to NOT condone the actions of some of these people, and at the same time to empathize with our fellow Americans. Regardless of whether we feel like it should, this is an extremely painful time for some. How dare we lump everyone together and invalidate their overall feelings because of the actions of a few, or to point fingers and judge when most of us will never understand how they feel?

I realize that this all sounds very “in the middle.” That’s kind of the point, though. There should be no sides.

White people have no idea how it feels to be a minority, and it is absurd to pretend that we do. It will take so much work to right the wrongs against our African-American brothers and sisters, and this is by no means a commentary on how we can do that. The truth is that I don’t know how to do that, but that won’t stop me from learning and trying and not ignoring. And it all starts with me saying “I’m sorry that happened.”

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Why I Suck Lately.

My life is boring. I say that not in a negative way, but more in a neutral way. As a person who thrives on control and knowing the plan, and who fails miserably in change and chaos, boring is good for me on most days. Sure, I like excitement in life too, but I like to know when that excitement is happening so I can plan for it. Are you catching what I’m throwing out?

Lately, my life has been the opposite of this. My life has been chaotic and messy and unplanned and unpredictable and I’m failing. Miserably.

Although I rarely use this blog to share what’s been going on in my daily life…because it’s boring most of the time…I’d like to let you in on my chaos.

We had someone living with us for a few months who was close to my family when their relationship went south. Although Bryan and I had very little to do with the relationship ending, the situation was taken out on us because we were the roommates. We’ve had a monstrous time getting this person’s things moved in order to be completely out of the relationship, and it has taken a gigantic toll on us. Forgiveness for hurts alone feel out of the question right now, so I won’t divulge more details in efforts to not be tacky, but trust me there are plenty. This entire situation has been very straining, and is not over yet.

My grandmother was diagnosed with Lung Cancer in April and also has a tumor in her brain. We found out it was already in stage 4 when she was diagnosed, and was not curable, but hopefully treatable. She started chemo and radiation, but because she was already so sick, her body couldn’t handle such harsh treatment and she was getting weaker as the masses just kept growing. This past Friday, her oncologist decided to stop all treatments on her and send her to hospice. The whole family was up there Friday night until very late because the hospice nurse didn’t think she’d make it through the night. It’s Tuesday now and she is still with us, and we’ve been up there almost every second of the day we weren’t sleeping or working. We of course are praying she will get better, but it’s not looking likely, and we would almost rather her just go ahead and go so she won’t be in pain anymore. Plus, selfishly, it just feels so wrong to essentially be sitting and waiting for someone to die.

(Please don’t smoke. At least not around me. As stupid as this sounds, it will hurt my feelings-not to mention the fact that I’m pregnant and don’t need to be around that anyway. I take it personally now when I tell people about Grandma and they say they don’t care and do it anyway. That may not make a lot of sense, but I’m sticking to my overly sensitive guns on this one.)

**UPDATE** My wonderful grandmother: Iris McCurdy-Grandma-died around 4 am Wednesday morning. She was the most wonderful, hilarious, selfless, caring woman, and I was blessed to be her grandaughter.

PLEASE DON’T SMOKE.

Sound hectic yet? Good time for an emergency root canal huh? Last Saturday night/Sunday morning I woke up in terrible, terrible pain in my jaw. I had known I needed a root canal for a while now, but having not had one previously, I didn’t realize that left untreated, it would eventually blow up that side of my head. I haven’t been in so much pain in a long time, all the while feeling so stupid BECAUSE ALL THIS FOR A TOOTH. We called everyone we could think of to avoid a hospital visit but they all told us to go to the ER since it was a Sunday, so we finally did…on Fathers’ Day no less. They gave me pain meds and antibiotics for the time being, which knocked me out and caused me to miss most Fathers’ Day activities and miss work for 2 days. This seems like a good time to remind you that THIS IS OVER A TOOTH. After a dentist appointment Monday, it was determined that *surprise* I needed an emergency root canal scheduled for 6:30 am Tuesday morning. Because I’m pregnant, they could numb me, but not knock me out or give me nitrous. So I was completely alert and awake the whole time. As someone who gets nitrous just for cleanings, they probably could have extracted information from me in that chair. I sure acted like I was being tortured anyway. I’m such a fun patient.

There is another thing going on in the Fittin family as well that I am not at liberty to share on the interwebs just yet, but email me, text/call me, or ask me in person and I’ll be happy to give you details on that as well. As if you’re just on the edge of your seat to learn more crazies from my life.

All of this while being pregnant. Please see my last post for news on that. I’m so tired of being pregnant right now I could scream. We are so in love with our baby and can’t wait to meet him or her, but right now it is causing me to withdraw from plans, relationships, and appointments and I’m sorry.

I say these things not to receive sympathy or “I’m sorrys,” but more to explain myself. I’m bad at feeling like I’m bothering people. I may share part of a problem or one of the problems or nothing at all with people. Very rarely do I just unload everything going on. It’s hard to go from having nothing to report usually to having to ask how much time someone has for me to fill them in. Plus I just don’t feel like making everything about me. I’d love prayers and understanding and forgiveness, if anything. And to all of the people who I have cancelled on, especially last-minute because it just slipped my mind, I’m so truly sorry.

I’m hoping life settles down soon, I really am. I’m tired of being a bad friend. I’m tired of  not knowing what’s headed my way. I’m so tired of canceling plans and missing work and cleaning up after someone else and being angry and not knowing how better to handle situations. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t adequately explain my flakey-ness because I don’t want people to write me off as a drama queen and because Oh gosh something else is going wrong with her. I truly believe this is just a season and that everybody goes through times when it just seems like it can’t get much worse.

I’m so sorry you guys. I’m ready to be a good friend again and not have to focus so much on my own stuff all of the time.

Thanks for reading this loooong and probably boring explanation.

Alex