Why I Suck Lately.

My life is boring. I say that not in a negative way, but more in a neutral way. As a person who thrives on control and knowing the plan, and who fails miserably in change and chaos, boring is good for me on most days. Sure, I like excitement in life too, but I like to know when that excitement is happening so I can plan for it. Are you catching what I’m throwing out?

Lately, my life has been the opposite of this. My life has been chaotic and messy and unplanned and unpredictable and I’m failing. Miserably.

Although I rarely use this blog to share what’s been going on in my daily life…because it’s boring most of the time…I’d like to let you in on my chaos.

We had someone living with us for a few months who was close to my family when their relationship went south. Although Bryan and I had very little to do with the relationship ending, the situation was taken out on us because we were the roommates. We’ve had a monstrous time getting this person’s things moved in order to be completely out of the relationship, and it has taken a gigantic toll on us. Forgiveness for hurts alone feel out of the question right now, so I won’t divulge more details in efforts to not be tacky, but trust me there are plenty. This entire situation has been very straining, and is not over yet.

My grandmother was diagnosed with Lung Cancer in April and also has a tumor in her brain. We found out it was already in stage 4 when she was diagnosed, and was not curable, but hopefully treatable. She started chemo and radiation, but because she was already so sick, her body couldn’t handle such harsh treatment and she was getting weaker as the masses just kept growing. This past Friday, her oncologist decided to stop all treatments on her and send her to hospice. The whole family was up there Friday night until very late because the hospice nurse didn’t think she’d make it through the night. It’s Tuesday now and she is still with us, and we’ve been up there almost every second of the day we weren’t sleeping or working. We of course are praying she will get better, but it’s not looking likely, and we would almost rather her just go ahead and go so she won’t be in pain anymore. Plus, selfishly, it just feels so wrong to essentially be sitting and waiting for someone to die.

(Please don’t smoke. At least not around me. As stupid as this sounds, it will hurt my feelings-not to mention the fact that I’m pregnant and don’t need to be around that anyway. I take it personally now when I tell people about Grandma and they say they don’t care and do it anyway. That may not make a lot of sense, but I’m sticking to my overly sensitive guns on this one.)

**UPDATE** My wonderful grandmother: Iris McCurdy-Grandma-died around 4 am Wednesday morning. She was the most wonderful, hilarious, selfless, caring woman, and I was blessed to be her grandaughter.

PLEASE DON’T SMOKE.

Sound hectic yet? Good time for an emergency root canal huh? Last Saturday night/Sunday morning I woke up in terrible, terrible pain in my jaw. I had known I needed a root canal for a while now, but having not had one previously, I didn’t realize that left untreated, it would eventually blow up that side of my head. I haven’t been in so much pain in a long time, all the while feeling so stupid BECAUSE ALL THIS FOR A TOOTH. We called everyone we could think of to avoid a hospital visit but they all told us to go to the ER since it was a Sunday, so we finally did…on Fathers’ Day no less. They gave me pain meds and antibiotics for the time being, which knocked me out and caused me to miss most Fathers’ Day activities and miss work for 2 days. This seems like a good time to remind you that THIS IS OVER A TOOTH. After a dentist appointment Monday, it was determined that *surprise* I needed an emergency root canal scheduled for 6:30 am Tuesday morning. Because I’m pregnant, they could numb me, but not knock me out or give me nitrous. So I was completely alert and awake the whole time. As someone who gets nitrous just for cleanings, they probably could have extracted information from me in that chair. I sure acted like I was being tortured anyway. I’m such a fun patient.

There is another thing going on in the Fittin family as well that I am not at liberty to share on the interwebs just yet, but email me, text/call me, or ask me in person and I’ll be happy to give you details on that as well. As if you’re just on the edge of your seat to learn more crazies from my life.

All of this while being pregnant. Please see my last post for news on that. I’m so tired of being pregnant right now I could scream. We are so in love with our baby and can’t wait to meet him or her, but right now it is causing me to withdraw from plans, relationships, and appointments and I’m sorry.

I say these things not to receive sympathy or “I’m sorrys,” but more to explain myself. I’m bad at feeling like I’m bothering people. I may share part of a problem or one of the problems or nothing at all with people. Very rarely do I just unload everything going on. It’s hard to go from having nothing to report usually to having to ask how much time someone has for me to fill them in. Plus I just don’t feel like making everything about me. I’d love prayers and understanding and forgiveness, if anything. And to all of the people who I have cancelled on, especially last-minute because it just slipped my mind, I’m so truly sorry.

I’m hoping life settles down soon, I really am. I’m tired of being a bad friend. I’m tired of  not knowing what’s headed my way. I’m so tired of canceling plans and missing work and cleaning up after someone else and being angry and not knowing how better to handle situations. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t adequately explain my flakey-ness because I don’t want people to write me off as a drama queen and because Oh gosh something else is going wrong with her. I truly believe this is just a season and that everybody goes through times when it just seems like it can’t get much worse.

I’m so sorry you guys. I’m ready to be a good friend again and not have to focus so much on my own stuff all of the time.

Thanks for reading this loooong and probably boring explanation.

Alex

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No More Ms. Waaay Too Nice Girl.

While I like to think that I’m not a cocky or arrogant person, I will admit to being good at a few things. Among those are strong logic skills, the ability to help others through conflict, and mediating conflict with a relatively clear head. You know what else I’m good at? Arguing. I’ve been told my whole life that I should be a lawyer because of my logic and argumentation skills.

I have a degree in Communication which specializes in the interpersonal variety. I spent 4 years studying human communication in regards to relationships, conflict, business, broadcasting, and the list goes on.  I had a pretty decent GPA at the end of it, and I am proud of myself for the work I did.

Unfortunately, this very expensive education had little to no effect on my own personal experience with conflict. I fail in minor areas such as not being able to see the logic through the rage, getting frazzled and overwhelmed and outraged by all of the many thoughts going through my mind and whatever you just said, and getting tongue-tied out of utter confusion that someone else could POSSIBLY think whatever it is that I don’t agree with. Possibly worst of all, instead of truly believing the fact that I am an adult on the same level as other adults, I make up hierarchies of people in my head and don’t allow myself to get past it. This includes most people of authority, the parents of people my age, and any adult who knew me as a child.

Instead of putting that pricy education to good use and learning how to grow up and emotionally protect myself and my family, I have learned some very bad coping practices. I either do nothing at all out of fear of embarrassing myself, not saying the right thing, or worst of all, hurting someone’s feelings, or I try to argue my points but falter because of the afore-mentioned frustration. I am the queen of “I should have said/done/mentioned/brought up ______. That would have shown them!”

Though I know it will shock you, this sort of behavior brings out many unhealthy habits. I am guilty of slander and gossip. Of stuffing frustration and letting it linger and build. Of inviting bitterness into my heart and allowing it to build and shape me. Of being afraid to live my life the way that God leads me to out of fear for upsetting others or disrupting their expectations of me. Of disregarding my husband’s feelings because I know he will forgive me, while I’m afraid others won’t. (<– the WORST.)

As Christians, we care called to mature conflict. As adults, it is expected in order to thrive in community with others.

God expects more out of His children than this. We’re not supposed to be cowards, but I so am. Regardless of the fact that history (and God Himself) has shown that God will always be on our side when we act justly and wisely in His name. History has also shown that the most respected and trusted people are those who aren’t afraid to be themselves, speak their minds maturely, and keep negative words against others at bay.

So knowing this, what am I so afraid of? Who am I more willing to disappoint?

My husband?

My family?

God?

Or everyone else?

Something’s gotta give. This is bad for me and bad for my family and bad for whoever I am frustrated with.

I am resolving to more phone calls and coffee dates with the source of my frustration and not about the source of my frustration. To better assessment of when to act and when to let it go. To be stronger and less afraid to stand up for myself and rid of unhealthy relationships, but mostly unhealthy situations. This is because I truly believe that things would be better if we were on the same page instead of me stuffing my anger. I truly believe that relationships thrive in mutual respect and much much less passive aggression. I’m resolving to command more respect for myself from others, and to stop allowing myself to be stomped on be everyone who tries, regardless of my own perceived hierarchy.

I’m resolving to start acting like the adult that I am.

Solidarity? Anyone else handle conflict like a child? Ugh, this is going to take work….and liquid courage from time to time.