Nothing in It for Me

Death_to_stock_photography_Vibrant (9 of 10)

I’m a feely person. I am 100% an external processor, it is difficult for me to “let things go” (how does one even just “let something go?”), and hormones are sooooo not my friend. SO this whole raising a baby-turned-toddler/adoption/growing another baby/adoption again thing has really taken a toll on my emotional state.

People say a lot of things about me. Lately, most of those things have been positive. “You guys are just so awesome.” “I’m so thankful for your calling.” “I don’t know how you do it, but God is really blessing you guys.” “She is a super-mom.” This is all very flattering, but do you want to know how I feel? I feel like a piece of crap. I feel like a selfish, whiny, brat of a person and I wish I could feel a lot stronger. 

The truth is that I am not a strong person, and for the first time in my life I can say that I can’t do this alone. That’s not to say that I could before, but I think God has been stringing me along for my entire life letting me think that I had it so hard and that I was handling everything so nicely, only to teach me a lesson that I apparently badly needed to learn, and with nothing short of grandeur. This lesson has come in loud and clear from the Big Guy. Are you ready?

“This isn’t about you, Alex.”

Ugh. Ouch.

You see, I didn’t even know it, but all of this excitement and pushing forward and all of the things that kept me (and both of us) going through this process was all about how it made me feel. It made me feel like a baller who was just doing the Lord’s work with grace and ease. Then reality hit me like a ton of bricks and it hurt. Badly. Having a teenager is hard. Teenage boys are gross and bonding with one in a maternal way isn’t as natural as I thought it would be. It often feels like all I am getting out of this is more laundry and less food. This is real-talk, you guys. THIS CRAP IS HARD. I don’t really know how to eloquently put it. Throw in a new baby with his own set of health problems and who cries all of the time, and my eyes have only one setting now: crazy.

This reality set in on day one. I sat in my closet alone on move-in day and realized that this didn’t feel as good as I thought it would. I asked God what was wrong. How could something I was so excited about not feel all that exciting after all? Every time I have asked Him that question, which is all the time, His answer has come in loud and clear (which for me is a rare occasion. As you may remember, I am not a sweet whispers from God kind of person. I am a kick-in-the-pants kind of person for dang sure.):

“This is still My plan, even if there’s nothing in it for you.”

So this is not necessarily a sweet blog post in which the lesson or message can be wrapped up neatly with a bow. This crap is still hard. I am not nearly refined enough to take that message from God and allow peace to fall upon me or something. I am getting by a day at a time with the help of those closest to me (including God), and lots of crying and chocolate. I am a firm believer in the power of a good cry. My husband, on the other hand, wishes I would learn another coping mechanism that doesn’t stress him out quite as much. FAT CHANCE DUDE.

PS: Please don’t think I have gone off of the rails and am against foster-care and adoption now. That is the opposite of the truth. I am still 100% in and think that (most of) you should be too. Please still ask me questions about all of that, you can just trust that my answers will be raw and real and honest, which is really better, right?

Love, Alex

Digging It (volume 1)

Digging It

Welcome to issue #1 of Digging It. A weekly segment that links to some awesome stuff I found or watched or tried or bought or read throughout the week.

Enjoy!

video

I am a little bit in love with this couple’s videos on Buzzfeed, and I have to say, this edition was more applicable than the first one!

Listen, I know I’m late to the party on this one, but these are hilarious and I dare you not to binge watch entire seasons. Nevermind the fact that these idiots are making millions a year by doing this.

Audio

I’m a big fan of T-Swizzle’s. I feel like whether or not you love her music, you have to respect the fact that she writes it herself and plays it herself and is generally a really nice person and not a diva. Feel me? This song was not my favorite at first, I’m not gonna lie. But then I heard it a bunch, and watched the video, and fell hard. This is my jam now.

You guys, you’re welcome for this. Bodhi and Jenna Elfman decided to do a marriage podcast since they pretty much have Hollywood’s longest marriage (20ish years). It is sooooo hilarious and awesome. They talk about EVERYTHING and even work out their arguments on there sometimes. I’ve tweeted them about it some and they’ve responded! Super cool.

PS: If you listen to it while you work out, it will for sure take your mind off of how much pain you’re in, but you will look like an idiot cracking up to yourself as you run. #WorthIt

lit

I just started this book this week. I like it so far! If you’ve read it and want to do a virtual book club of some sort, let me know!

 

Love, Alex