With Baby Comes…

This is one of those things that I know no one reeeeeally cares about reading, but I neeeeeed to talk about it.


So I had a baby, in case anyone reading this doesn’t already know that from my bombardment of photos on the interwebs. And with a baby comes extra weight. It’s a fact of life. When you’re pregnant, however, you can be smart about it, or, like me, be stupid about eating and healthy weight gain.

I had packed on a few pounds before I got pregnant, and was in the process of trying to lose it, and failing miserably. I just love food ok? When I saw the double line on the pee stick, I was all “Great! No more having to worry about losing weight!” And I ate…and ate…and ate…and gained a lot more weight.


*Swallows pride.*

I weighed well over 200 pounds at the end of my pregnancy.

It was hard for me to accept. I wanted to badly to be able to control it, but losing weight has always been difficult for me.

Before I move on, I just want to say that I am not at all trying to be one of those people who isn’t that big, but is going to complain about it anyway. If there’s nothing we women get more annoyed with, its skinny girls talking about how fat they are, meanwhile we are sitting here, obviously heavier than them, eating a burger. No, I am not trying to be that woman. Just talking about my personal story, and although I was and still am overweight, I try not to think of myself as “fat.”

Losing weight has NEVER been easy for me. I can exercise, but I am unwilling to change my diet much if at all, so when exercise doesn’t cut it (10% exercise/90% diet right?), I give up and feel even worse about myself. I like carbs, cheese, and sauces. Those are my vices. Plus I love to cook, it’s a creative outlet for me, and cooking some variation of chicken, again, gets old. When given the choice at a restaurant, I will always choose something I want instead of something healthy. Why pay for a salad when I can make that at home, right? It’s a real problem. I use food for comfort too. I have a hard time sitting and watching a tv show or movie without having something to snack on. I tend to break the golden rule of dieting by drinking my calories as well. Coke is like sweet nectar of the gods on my mouth. I could go on and on.

The point is, it has always been a problem, but a bigger problem is feeling down about myself. This is hard crap you guys. I hardly have time to dress myself and keep laundry washed, let alone to spend 2 hours of my day working out. Because let’s be honest, doing  45-minute work out is only a small part of it. For me, It means pumping, because, you know…jumping around and stuff, squeezing into a sports bra and still-too-small work out clothes, making sure the kid is asleep or otherwise occupied, doing the work-out, showering (maybe), and changing again. THAT’S LIKE HALF THE DAY YOU GUYS.


I do love the #MomBod movement over the past few weeks, and I am all over giving grace to moms to get their bodies back, but that doesn’t mean that I should just do nothing. I want to be able to run and play with my kids and get down on the floor and color without it hurting. I want to be able to…gosh just to wear MY OWN CLOTHES again. We like to paint a pretty picture of how beautiful childbirth is, but rarely do we have honest feelings about how hard and sucky it is to accept that our bodies will never be the same. I don’t want to feel like I am body-shaming or mom-shaming by saying that it is sucks to have stretch marks all over my body and to accept that it’s just how my body looks now. Or can we just talk about boobs? Or extra skin? Or just all of it?

I want to feel healthy and good about myself again. I want the fat in my face to go away so I can stop hating every single photo of me. And sure, there’s a part of me that needs to learn to love myself and my body more, but there’s another part that needs to suck it up, get her act together, and eat better.

All of this to say, I am on a diet. *Shudder.* Even I hate those words. I wish I could be one of those women that’s all “HAHA what’s a diet??” but no, I did not win the “Bounce-back-after-childbirth lottery,” and something’s gotta give. I don’t like diets. They rarely work and I never want to have to buy a bunch of shakes, drops, bands, wraps, and whatever other diet fad is going around now. Just no. I am doing the 17-day diet. I like it because it’s structured, but simple. I can have as much as I want of certain things, so I am never hungry, and it’s easy to wrap my mind around. I am down about 6 pounds since starting, and I am 2/3 of the way through cycle 1 (It consists of four 17-day cycles). That puts me at (crap is there still pride I need to swallow??) 174 currently. My goal is 140.

As far as eating out goes, that’s where Bryan comes in. I asked him to be in charge of my diet for the time being. He was all “Nope nope nope nope this is a trap nope.” But I talked him down and explained that I don’t have enough self-control to eat well, so could he please order for me at restaurants and slap chips out of my hand when necessary. He has been great so far! I think showing him that I wouldn’t fight him on it in the moment (bites tongue) really helped him to not feel like this was a lose-lose for him.

I may post updates as I go, but maybe not. I know this stuff isn’t exactly riveting, but it’s a big part of my life right now. Food is so hard for me that when I limit myself, it occupies roughly 97% of my thoughts. So I’m just trying to hang in there…for now.

Love, Alex


Things That Stop Being a Thing in Pregnancy

2014-10-09 14.07.49

A lot has happened since my last pregnancy blog post.

I’m officially in my third trimester. So that happened. I’m not sure when, exactly. Because hasn’t it only been like 5 days? When I give birth tomorrow or something maybe I’ll figure out where the summer has gone.

I digress.

Also, my body has changed a lot. I knew it would. Like, logically in my mind I was all “I’m going to get fat and my boobs are going to get big and I’m going to get stretch marks. Now that all of this has happened, I still stand in the mirror like “Sigh. This is what I look like now I guess.”

What else? Oh! A lot of things have stopped being a thing. Seriously, as “duh” (you have to say it like Cher) as it seems, there are still times when I surprise myself with all the things I can’t do because pregnancy. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. Agility. This doesn’t exist anymore. Bending over normally? Nope. Standing up without making noises and/or whining for help from whoever is nearest? Gone. Rolling over in bed without waking up your husband? HAHAHA. I’ve reached the point where I don’t even care that people are taking pity on me. There is no more “I’ve totally got this!” When I drop something on the floor, I just look down and wait. Like a diva. ASK ME HOW MUCH I CARE.

2. Normal and predictable hormones. A thing of the past. There’s so much crap going on in there that there is no telling when or how it will force its way out. Sometimes, it’s crying at a dogfood commercial. Sometimes, it’s getting irrationally angry at your spouse/whoever. This can be a bonus if you say, while yelling, that you know this is irrational and you just can’t help it. It doesn’t make it better, but somehow makes you feel justified. Sometimes, it’s that in-between thing where it’s like you’re crying but not really crying…just, tears are falling out of your face. This never happens conveniently. It’s always when you are about to have dinner with people or walk into church.

3. Holding your pee in. Whether it’s sneezing or coughing or because your little bundle of joy felt the need to suddenly kick you in the bladder, you have 5 seconds to get. to. the. bathroom. This is the only exception to the agility clause. Somehow, our lack of bladder control gives us the super-power to suddenly jump up lest we pee on ourselves. Which, let’s all admit it, has already happened, even if only a little bit. My favorite thing is when my body is all “YOU HAVE TO PEE RIGHT. NOW.” and then by some miracle you leap to your feet and make i to the bathroom and maybe produce a tablespoon of urine. Thanks for that baby.

4. Sex. It’s not that it’s not a thing anymore. It’s just a whole new thing. And we can just leave it at that. Feel me ladies?

5. Being unaware of your internal organs. Remember when the best you could do when pointing out where your organs were was to just do a swooping wave over an area and be like “uhhh, somewhere in here.”? Well now we can tell you exactly where stuff is. Because it gets kicked all the time. ALL THE TIME. I’d like to know what goes through random people’s heads when pregnant women suddenly jump or flinch around them. You guys: It’s because the human we’re about to squeeze out of ourselves has decided to prime our reflexes and pain tolerance by claiming our personal insides as their own punching bags. Who knew we even had that many things in us?!

6. Your entire body not looking like it was mauled by a tiger. Y’all. Try as I might, I have failed. Scratch that. Coconut oil has failed ME. Coconut oil, I thought we were friends. I rubbed you on me EVERY DAY and still you lost your battle against the stretch marks. How can I ever trust you again? Tell you what, when I look sexy in a bikini again, that’s when you will earn my trust back.

7. Peaceful Sleep. Whether it’s getting up to pee every 5 seconds, or attempting to roll over because your left side just can’t anymore, or because the miracle inside me has decided that this is the perfect time to practice gymnastics, sleeping through the night is like a unicorn or fairy or some other mystical creature these days. The other night, I woke up at 3:30 (to pee of course), tried to go back to sleep, then gave up after a few minutes. I got up to see if there was anything I could do around the house, quickly laughed at myself, got something to eat and drink, spilled my drink, scared the crap out of Bryan, cleaned it up, got back in bed, and watched 30 Rock until 6:30 when I finally fell back asleep. This is the new normal people.

8. Looking cute for more than an hour. Listen, I just can’t be bothered with things like jeans and jewelry anymore. Even if I will only be home for 30 minutes before leaving the house again, my uniform of sweatpants and Bryan’s t-shirt comes on. The grunting and effort of changing are totally worth it. Plus, it’s like a mini work out and that counts right? Of course it does. I have also mastered the art of how much “getting ready” I can do to just barely pass for not a psych ward escapee.

9. Remembering what it was like to not be pregnant. I know it wasn’t all that long ago, but I have forgotten what it was like to feel hungry in the normal area of my stomach, flex my abs without it looking suuuuper weird, and to bump into things without immediately thinking that a little person inside me also felt it. Maybe that’s just the forgetful preggo brain for ya.

10. All of the extra random stuff. Having a wedding ring that fits, walking like a human instead of a duck, sitting in one position for more than 1 minute. You know, all the things.

I’m told this will all be worth it in the end. After my epidural legs wear off and I’ve cried out the last of my pregnancy hormones, I’m praying that my body will EVENTUALLY return to normal. Only time will tell.

Dear Pregnancy Books and Websites…

prgo copy

In my brief experience with pregnancy thus far, I have noticed some things. These are not pretty things, nor “glowy” things. These are real things. These are the things I wish I could have known. While realistically I know that it would be nearly impossible to pass along every single “what to expect” situation of pregnancy, but c’mon. I need some sassy girlfriend to lay some truth bombs on me for what is quickly becoming “the period in life we shall not speak of.”

I thought I’d compile a list of my findings so far. Not to worry, I’ll give an equally TMI updated version later on, as I am just now almost to the halfway point.

1. The age-old lesson of “Morning sickness isn’t actually just for mornings…” is old news. How about telling me what morning sickness is really like. In my head, morning sickness was this thing where you’d feel nauseous, throw up, and move on with your life until later when you’d do it again. I had no idea the crap-fest that is “morning” sickness. I was clueless to the fact that I would find myself praying to the heavens that I could throw up because then I’d feel better from the misery that is constant nausea. But that answered prayer is never as sweet as you’d think, huh? You lose a little piece of your self-esteem every time you have to throw up in a public space. Side of the road, at work, during a class you’re taking at your church…you haven’t quite experienced pregnancy until your knees become acquainted with the cold, hard floor of a public restroom…that’s my new motto any way. My favorite time was when we (grown adults) thought it was a good idea to hit up Denny’s at 11 pm when everyone had been consuming various amounts of alcohol throughout the evening. There is sick irony in an experience where you are the only one in the group who has not drank a drop…and are also the only one in the group who throws up in the Denny’s parking lot.

2. I grew up in a very open household. Everyone knew when anyone else in the family had any kind of bodily function. And then there was me. While it doesn’t weird or gross me out when others do, I’ve never been the “oversharing type.” It would have been nice if someone had told me that in pregnancy, that adorable privacy evacuates the premises. My dignity is hanging on by a thread at this point. I have lost the give-a-crap for when my husband and many other members of my tribe know the happenings of “the miracle inside me.”

3. I had to learn pretty quickly that eating is a whole new ball game. The books and websites clued me in to the whole backwards “eat when you’re nauseous and you’ll feel better” phenomenon, but no one told me about how aversions weren’t just for when you suddenly don’t like the taste of foods you previously loved or could stand the smell of. I wish I had known that this sweet, sweet baby of mine would be quick fickle about what I am allowed and not allowed to eat while it is sidling my resources and nourishments for 9 months. “Oh, you thought you could eat that delicious potato salad? Think again. Oooh soup, yum. HAHA. How about I make you bloated for 24 hours?”

4. For some women who I hate, the “starting to show” process is cute and dreamy. For me, this whole chubby-looking phase is lasting much longer than I’d like. The websites talk about the precious bump. No one tells you that it doesn’t look like that until MULTIPLE MONTHS of just looking like you have a slight beer belly.

5. I was unprepared for the fact that things I previously loved to do would be come a source of self-loathing. For example, I feel like I’ve made my love for cooking pretty clear in this blog, social media, and general conversation. I have cooked approximately 3 complete meals since I’ve been pregnant. The smell alone is enough to get me, and that’s not even mentioning the effort. I’ve found myself telling Bryan very sweetly that we can have whatever he feels like making or we can go out, whatever floats his boat. We’ve gone out mostly, in case you were wondering. Our monthly grocery budget is like $50 these days.

6. Whining about how you feel is much more rewarding than one might think. I told Bryan the other day that I really wish I could be one of those cool wives where when this was all over and done with he could look at me fondly and think to himself (and tell all the people) that I never even complained at all and took this process like a champ. “HAHAHAHAHAHA” We said in unison. I’ve complained every 5 minutes on average, as pregnancy sucks much more than everyone else lets on. Maybe next time (if there is one), I will suck it up and be that awesome non-complaining wife, although I imagine that version of Alex is like a unicorn or leprechaun… in likelihood that is.

7. Out of all the things I’ve feared in life, permanent body damage takes the crown. I am still unaware of all the changes to my body that I can look forward to. The other day I found out more body parts that I can plan on…ahem…*tearing* in my near future. I am also currently warding off stretch-marks like it’s my job. I hear coconut oil is the secret, so coconut oil-rubbing is my new daily ritual. I wish these cutesy websites could have a page where they lay it all on the line. I know that some moms-to-be would rather it be an unpleasant surprise, but I’d much prefer that sassy girlfriend be like “Look girl, this is the crap that will happen to you.”

8. Pregnancy Hormones are not as bad as the movies make them out to be. I figured with my PMS record that I would be a friggin’ mess while pregnant. This is one of the few pleasant surprises to come of this. I have not cried because there is no more juice, Bryan left the toilet seat up, or because man, Luke and Lorelei really are the perfect couple, and I’m a crier. I have only been irrationally angry like once. I am also aware that I am jynxing myself by posting about this awesomeness, so Bryan, prepare yourself.

9. Pregnancy guilt is much easier to shrug off than I thought it would be. I have always had a bad case of the “Wanting People to Like Me”s. I’ve learned much more in later years about ridding myself of this awful disease, but I still worried about caring what people think once I was pregnant. Much to my delight, my mom’s long-standing advice of “Know what you believe and why you believe it” has come in handy. “You’re drinking caffeine while you’re pregnant? There’s really no safe amount you know.” YEP. “You’re not even going to try to have a natural childbirth before getting an epidural?” NOPE. To each her own people, to each her own.

10. Because we all know how precious I am, I’ve saved the sweet one for last. The mom support group is so much more important than could have ever imagined. I’m sorry for taking advantage of you before I knew the effect you had. Please don’t abandon me for my ignorance in my time of need. Even though, yes, some of the advice and comments can get annoying (as in any situation), for the most part every seasoned veteran has been helpful and understanding. I like to think that pregnancy is as ridiculous for others as it is for me, and I’ve found so much support for this theory in those who love me. So thank you, other moms, I promise to never disregard your knowledge again… for the most part.