…And Then I Came up Short.

So I had my first weigh-in since my little change of heart that led to this post, and I only lost 1.5 pounds this week, and not 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 like I was hoping.

Naturally, I freaked out and wanted to cry, but then Bryan was like “Good job Babe! You didn’t gain any weight and you actually lost some even though we haven’t been to the gym in the past couple of days and we didn’t eat great with my parents last night. You should be proud of yourself!”

I wasn’t proud of myself. I hate that some people can like, sneeze and lose weight. OR DO NOTHING AND LOSE WEIGHT. I hate that I have to try. I hate that I can’t eat and COOK what I want. I hate that I didn’t lose 5 pounds instead of 2. I hate I hate I hate.

I seriously let this ruin my morning.

It’s slowly hitting me, though, that he’s right. I SHOULD be proud of myself. I did eat not-so-great last night. I did succumb to not working out for the past two days because we’ve had stuff going on. And I still lost weight!

I’m slowly becoming as proud of myself as Bryan apparently is.

I am reminded of how I am such a brat to God. I try to be so independent, and worry instead of pray, and I don’t trust Him completely, and I don’t see the world and my life through a lens of Him like I should. And then I act all upset that I can’t do it all on my own. I let it get me down and I kick myself for not getting it right, like ever. Much like that whole weight thingie, it makes me feel like I will never get better or change or grow, and something in me refuses to see any growth that actually is there!

Ugh! This refinement thing is so hard in all areas of life! And yes I know that the definition of refinement implies the difficulty and pain. My blog is called REFINING ALEX, duh. I’m still allowed to forget and be shocked and surprised by it right? AAAGGH.

I AM learning though, I am. I am better with my weight and self-control than I was yesterday, and I’m still going to strive for that to be true tomorrow. In the same way, I can only hope that I grow more in God each day. And God doesn’t expect me to be perfect, in fact, He’s counting on me not to be, and He already has it covered.

I turned down a cookie the other day. A chocolate chip cookie. A FREE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE. I am so Superwoman right now y’all. I don’t even care that I’m I’m self-complementing. I can do this.

I’m not giving up. I will be there.

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I Will Be There.

In light of my last post, I have some thoughts and brags about my fitness/nutrition over the past couple of days. You see, in true Alex form, I typed that post on Friday, and didn’t get around to posting it until yesterday. Ahhh the life of a type-A perfectionist. Forced procrastination, I know you’re all jealous. That being said, I’ve had 3 days to put my awesome plan into effect. GET EXCITED FOR ANOTHER LIST!

Thought 1: I genuinely feel like I am more motivated now than ever before, even more than my wedding, and that’s saying something!

Thought 2: I have learned that I will not die or have a conniption if I skip on the pizza we ordered into work, the leftover mac and cheese that I made from scratch (OMG), and the sweet tea. Who knew?!

Thought 3: You guys, I did it, I caved. I vowed that I was done with MyFitnessPal forever and now I’m not anymore. It’s not that I don’t love the app/program, it’s great! It’s just that I become crazy uptight OCD girl while I’m using it, and then I get soooo disappointed in myself when I go over my calorie limit or something. I’m starting clean and trying to use it as a guideline, not a lifeline. I also started weighing myself again, another thing that I vowed to stop doing. This time around, I am weighing myself on Friday mornings. That’s it. No more obsessive “Oh my gosh I didn’t lose any weight in the last 24 hours!”

There was Dickies BBQ. I limited myself. I am awesome right now.

There was Dickies BBQ. I limited myself. I am awesome right now.

Thought 4: They may be cheesy, fake, ridiculous, what-have-you, but I LOVE those little fitness inspirational meme things! They really do work and get me going. Yesterday during my workout, I pulled up my Pinterest board “Fittin Getting Fit” (Yes I came up with that all on my own and it is in the rankings for most clever thing I’ve thought of, thank you for asking.) and scrolled through the pins to keep me motivated when I wanted to quite literally throw in the towel. They are also great for the times before the gym when you’re reeeeeally thinking that Chinese, the couch, and my shows sound just wonderful.

Thought 5: My ultimate goal is to be a size 6 by the end of June, the time of my brother’s wedding. Apparently I am so ridiculously lazy and inefficient in getting crap done that I need teeny-tiny baby goals as well. The other day, my husband, who is a freaking genius and knows me so well, told me I should estimate the amount of weight I would need to lose by then and divide it up to see how many pounds per week it would be. So I did! And it turns out I only need to lose 2 pounds a week which is TOTALLY doable! Now that my goal seems within reach, I know I can absolutely do this! (And yes I am aware that this seems like a fairly “duh” concept, but as someone who is afraid of the scale, pounds aren’t exactly on the forefront of my mind.)

Last thought: I am learning to use what used to squelch my enthusiasm and make me sad to motivate me even more. I’ll admit it, I am usually THAT girl looking at other women in the gym and comparing myself to them. Now I still do that, but instead of wanting to quit because of it, I say to myself that I will be there. I WILL BE THERE. I WILL BE THERE.

Although this is not a fitness blog, I am committing to be open and honest on there about my progress. I may even post some before photos in the near future! I’ll be working on the courage for that one. 🙂